I have made so many mistakes in my life. I honestly feel undeserving of God’s love for all the times I have felt like I failed him. As I write my first book, I’ve reread some of my journals that have withheld my inner thoughts for all these years. All of the moments I wish I could forget lie between those pages. I have been hesitant to share my story with anyone because I did not want to be judged. However, I know that someone needs to hear it and I want to help someone get through their journey and tests.
MY STORY.
All of my life people in my family and around me have told me that, “I am going to be GREAT.” But, at only fourteen years old, I will never forget those dark months when I wanted to end my life. I remember calling out to God asking him why he would not just let me go. Why would he not just allow me to be with him. I did not see my light anymore. The darkness had taken that. I never felt as if I was enough. I felt less than for several reasons. I felt unwanted to the point where began to truly believe that. My friends turned their backs on me. I was completely alone. I would beg God to take me home but he did not. I was angry.
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| It was Nerd Day. LOL. |
Then that summer I heard God for the first time in a really long time. He told me, “I am not taking you from this world because I am not done with you yet. I have a lot planned for you and this pain is temporary. It is just preparing you for your future.” I wrote this down in one of my journals. I remember for a few months I felt changed. However, over time the thoughts of unworthiness came back. This lasted nearly all of the time that I was in high school. I was even told that I was depressed. For years, I felt sad on and off. I wanted to get out of my misery but it was like I literally could not. Sometimes I would not eat for days at a time. I would just go for a walk in the park and then go back to my room or outside to draw, paint, or whatever the case maybe. Recently (within the past year) my mom told me one of the paintings I made broke her heart. She asked me what the work symbolized and I responded me. It was a tree without branches. A tree trying to find its way when it felt like the world was caving in on it. Those were the hardest times for me.
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| My Mom and I when I was in HS. Yes, her hair is real! Inches! |
January 2014 I found God, completely. You see I will not say there was ever a time when I did not believe in God. I have always believed in him, however, I was not ready to truly live for him. I felt him giving me joy, power, and restoring me of everything that I felt was taken from me. I felt at peace with not only myself but my life. Then, after going to a christian conference in New Jersey I learned that my cousin had passed away. The unexpected death of my cousin had really made it hard for me to keep the faith. I remember for days I would just scream and cry in my dorm room asking God, why. I remember how hard it was for me to understand the idea of having faith when feeling as if all faith was truly gone. I was broken. My spirit was crushed. My life was changed. I was changed.
I just wanted to stop my life. I thought about dropping out of college. However, I did not know what I would do. I was lost. I would have these dreams where God would put me in situations where all he would tell me to do was trust in him. Eventually, I did and was able to receive the closure that I so desperately needed.
You see something I am learning about myself is that I have desires. There are things I long for that I can not control. God knows my heart. With him those desires will be fulfilled. When I look back and see how far I have come I know that he is working on and in me. Every time I smile I remember all that I have been able to overcome with him. Yes, there is much more to come and more for me to work through, however, I know that each day I am growing. My light that I could once not see in the darkness is now being able to shine so bright that others can recognize it. I have gone through some things. Everyone does. It is what makes you human. It is what molds you into the woman or man that God has set you out to be.
"Beautiful,
Everything is okay. I know you want answers and I know you want to figure everything out right now but God is handling it. God knows everything that your heart desires. God knows who you long to be and he knows you. You are not a failure. Everyone makes mistakes that is apart of life. God has forgiven you. It is time that you forgive yourself and move forward.You are beautiful. You are smart. You are special. Even when you don’t think you are. In his eyes you are perfect. You have nothing to worry about. Sometimes your mind and body are not in tune with one another but just remember that God will always guide you when you can not seem to guide yourself. Sometimes the pain may feel unbearable but just know that it will get better. The heartbreak will end. There is a rainbow at the end of your dark tunnel."
xoxo,
Morgan-Brittani
