209Days

209 days. 209 thoughts. Over a million minutes since the last time I wrote.

It's weird that I am even writing now. I have no strength. I have had no strength. When I look in the mirror I have asked Day after day. Who are you morgan? Who are you? 

Everything changed in an instant. I felt as though I had it all.

Then.

Then.

Then.

Then, I didn't. Feeling empty inside. I wrote lemonade to help him feel. Instead, it just caused him pain. I deleted my words but I still could not delete the memories. 

Delete the good, forget the bad. 

209 days. I could not pick up a pen for 209 days. Every time I did I would think of us. For over a year, I wrote about you. Saw you. Got to know you. That's way more than 209 days. More than 365 days. More than a year.

I still love you. 

Well I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to write that. I didn't mean to type that. 

See.

See.

See.

I see my heart on the floor waiting for you to finally open the door. I was trying to even the score. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I just wanted you to notice me. I've always only wanted you to notice me. 

You never have.

Here I go again. 209 days and you are still the main topic of discussion. You have my mind spinning round and round, I think I might just have a concussion. 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for every time I cursed your name. I'm sorry for every time I ever caused you pain. I'm sorry for crying in your face. I'm sorry for saying things I know you could never erase. I recognize now it wasn't me. It was you. 

But then 

Then, it was us. I hurt you too. I hurt you because I just wanted you to feel. I wanted you to see me. Oh how I craved to be seen. Not seen by everyone but seen by you.

I loved you. You were my world. It wasn't healthy. You can't be my world. You can not be my world. God needs to be my world. You just needed to be in it. 

Is that why all this happened?

Because I made you my world? Because you made me your girl. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss the way your lips move to the side when you talk. The way you say my name. The way you talk. I miss you — 

I shouldn't have made you my world when you made me your girl. I wanted to save you.  

I just wanted to be your angel.

209 days. Since I have expressed myself like this but 17 days, 13 hours and 24 minutes since you told me you are done with me. Tears come to my eyes knowing you don't want to be my baby. Not even just my baby you don't want me in your life. 

I'm sorry I hurt you. But you hurt me first. Hurt people, hurt people. 

Why. Did. You. Have. To. Cheat?

I was happy. I was whole. I was comfortable in all of my roles. You make me hate you for ruining me. But I still love you. Do you still love me? 

In your arms is where I want to be. 209 days, 209 thoughts, 209 tears, 209 dreams, 209 times.

I thought I was going to die. When you said you no longer wanted to be by my side. I'm not going to lie.

I cried.

I cried. 

I cried.

I'm trying to find me. I want to know if we will ever be. But right now I have to find me. 209 days since I last wrote. 209 days since I last wrote. 

Lemonade. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for writing lemonade. I was hurt. I wanted you to notice me. But it's no excuse. I'm sorry I wrote lemonade. I'm sorry I ever hurt you.

I should have been the bigger person. Not putting our business out on the streets. You really hurt me. If I didn't write lemonade maybe we'd still be.

You and me. Chocolate and Caramel. 

209 days since my whole life changed. It's been 209 days since nothing has been the same.

209.